Fear and Regrets

Do you wish you could return to a moment in your past? There’s always a struggle hidden in the buzz of everyday life; we face an onslaught of decisions, big or small, every waking moment of the day. For me and I’m sure many others, this fact can be difficult to swallow. No, I probably shouldn’t have eaten the whole bag of chips last night, but how could I resist? What’s done is done, I can work it off tomorrow! Doubts and second thoughts often crawl into the back of my mind. There are so many things to miss, and sometimes I end up lying in bed thinking about what I should’ve said, what I could’ve changed. But throughout the maladies of the mundane, you find moments worth treasuring that keep the balance and make each day worth it. 

I moved to Champaign in the summer of 2016. Fresh out of fifth grade, the thought of a brand new school struck fear into my tiny heart. Fear: it was a recurring emotion that plagued my childhood and came back to bite me every so often. Because of my fear of injury, I was never one to go play outside with the neighborhood kids. I’d watch on the sides as my friends played; I watched them have fun, but I watched them get hurt, and the threat of pain kept me away. Basically, I’m a massive coward. Feelings of running out of breath, losing strength, taking a hit, were my poison. Eventually, this transitioned into a broader fear of failure. I was afraid to put myself to tests and unveil my weaknesses. Be it social situations where I’d trip over my words or soccer at recess where I’d trip over a ball, I ran from difficulty and let myself rot away. 

When I stepped into the halls of my middle school, I held on to the hope that I’d handle the next three years with utter self-assurance, confidence oozing from my core, unafraid to jump at whatever obstacle I hadn’t had the guts to face. But habit is a powerful beast. I failed myself; as my determination faltered, I fell back into my old faulty rhythm. Looking back now, there are so many things I wish I had done. I wish I had put myself out there, without regard for what anyone else might have thought. I wish I would’ve tripped over my words and the ball, made new friends, developed a skill.

Yet through this dull ache of regret, nights spent chastising myself and hoping for a better tomorrow, I’m rolling up a snowball of memories I wouldn’t trade for the world. People grow and change, and I’ve had the time of my life growing and changing with them. Nothing was for nothing; I can take the fruits of my struggles along as we stray away from distant specks of blissful childhood, forward into the deep dark unknown. Sometimes I ask myself where I might be if I had pushed through my fears in the past. There’s no doubt I’d be way cooler (high bar, I know). But I’d miss out on the life I’ve led up till now, and that’s enough for me.